It's Funny Being a Dad

Like the title says, it's funny being a dad. I've only just begun and I'm looking forward to a lot more funny moments, but here are a few that have happened in the first 8 weeks. I'm sure they are funnier if you were there, but I'll try to do them justice.

Let's start with today. How about a poll of the audience, by a show of hands did the following happen to you today?

• Did you get pooped on?
  
• Did you get peed on?

Nobody? Wow, 2 for 2. This was a pretty good day. One more question.

• Did you have a baby puke on you today? Puke so bad that you had to change your shirt and also, some of it went into your mouth? If so, just go ahead and raise your hand.

Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. It wasn't me, Allison was the lucky one. She was carrying Ben down the stairs when he unloaded on her. From what she told me it went all over her shirt and a little bit went into her mouth. She laughed about it which is good because I laughed really hard when she told me the story.

I don't want it to happen to me, but he isn't on solid food yet, so there couldn't have been any chunks. And, since she willingly eats and enjoys cottage cheese, it wasn't even the most disgusting thing she had in her mouth today. Still sucks though, sorry honey.

A few weeks ago there was a partial reenactment of 3 Men and a Baby. Do you remember the scene where Tom Selleck's character is reading about a boxing match from Sports Illustrated to the baby and when questioned about it he says something like "it doesn't matter what I say as long as I use this silly sing-song voice"? Well I had a conversation with Allison doing that.

I was reading Goodnight Moon to Ben and it was not putting him to sleep. I read it 3 times and he was still fussing and crying. Allison was standing at the door and in my best Tom Selleck I said "Can you give me another book, this one isn't working. What do you mean read it again? Give me the Grover book. He isn't feeling it tonight, just give me the damn Grover book. You're being a jerk face. Help or get out. WAIT! I thought you would pick help...you can stay. What's that Ben? He told me he wants you to hold him...and he wants me to eat candy. No? I thought that would work."

The last thing I have for you tonight is the endless stream of That's What She Said jokes, that started in the delivery room. No joke, I think Allison was in mid push and busted out a That's What She Said. The doctor and nurse must have thought we were crazy, but I was so proud. I wish I could remember what it was about, but I can't.

There are so many, we can't do them all (that's what she said) but we can't. We've already done too many to keep track of them all(that's what she said) Here are a few I remember:

• At doctor's office He's getting so big (that's what she said)
• Newborn clothes: He doesn't fit in this anymore (that's what she said)
• Bouncer: He used to be so tiny in there, now he fills up almost the whole thing (that's what she said)
• Diaper bag: Where should I stick it? In the front or in the back?(that's what she said)
• Formula/milk: Put it on your finger in to see if it's hot. (that's what she said)
• Bath time: I made a mess. Just keep going and clean it up later. (that's what she said)
• Diaper Genie: It's really packed in there. You can't get any more in there (that's what she said)